got up! stood up!

...set out early last evening to jehangir (sana in tow) for the demo in support of chandramohan.that was after dumping almost 6hours of footage non-stop!! more about that later.

lots of people landed up...a lot more than the usual suspects! much to cheer about esp chandramohan getting bail.

but as i looked around, i kept thinking about how demonstrations have changed...hurriedly painted posters n banners are passe...digitally printed vinyl!! we've certainly come a long way ;) but the most exciting was this mini fm transmitter someone set up, so we had people holding up these lil transistors or tuning their cellphone radios to 96fm to listen to the speeches etc!!

yes, we were reminded that this is not just about chandramohan, n so we must keep the fight on...but really, i wished more people landed up, i wished it din't have to be just jehangir...wished they didn't sing "hum hongey kaamayaab" to ruin a perfectly good evening of protest.

get up, stand up

The Free Chandramohan Committee will hold a peaceful demonstration on Monday, 14 May 2007 at 6 pm near the steps of the Jehangir Art Gallery, Kala Ghoda, Mumbai to mark the arts community's anguish at repeated violations o cultural freedoms, including the violent assault on the young Baroda artist Chandramohan and the continuing persecution of M F Husain, among other instances.
Since this gathering will be in the nature of a spontaneous demonstration, we will be gathering in groups of three or four people, and position ourselves outside the Jehangir. Please dress in black and white: a measure of symbolism may not be out of place on this occasion.

up n down

...been readying myself to re-start work on my film about my dad...the easier part was getting malay to do a premiere pro upgrade. but my desktop is hopelessly outdated! pentium3 500MHz just ain't good enough to run windows xp which will run premiere pro...
...looks like i am chicken-ing out of going in for a fully loaded mac desktop with fcp. can't seem to allow myself the extravagance for a personal non-funded film, besides there'll always be better ways to utilise that money...
...got all excited re-reading barthes 'camera lucida'..."ultimately - or at the limit- in order to see a photograph well, it is best to look away or close your eyes. "the necessary condition for an image is sight", janouch told kafka; and kafka smiled n replied: "we photograph things in order to drive the out of our minds. my stories are a way of shutting my eyes"...
...dunno how this my story will shape up. i keep postponing the confrontation. but tomorrow comes diksha, happy to help me with the edit while she waits nervously for a call from ftii. now i'll just have to work!!

6/6

no no, not my perfect vision...
just back from kerala...had gone there with mum, sis n kids for my sister's husband's mother's brother's son's wife's brother's wedding! ha! now i know!! n more!! but about that later...
...but this was some trip!...we travelled each of the 6days we were there.
day1: bombay-calicut
day2: calicut-kannur
day3: kannur-calicut (attended the wedding reception!)
day4: calicut-kochi
day5: kochi-calicut
day6: calicut-bombay
phew!...didn't know if we were going or coming!! but still, it was bliss, yes, hot n sultry like those masst mallu nymphettes...my first trip to malabar...and loving it. within a couple of hours after landing, we set out to kappad beach. 'twas in may back in 1498, that vasco-da-gama landed n the rest is all,er history!...sadly, a nondescript marker to hoot but a beeauuutiful beach... no pics this time, digitalpics i mean.
been taking black n white pics of anil m's extended family while tracing his family tree...how excited they were to make the connections for me as they delved deep into their fading memory. anil's mum was the first woman driver in kannur! n she drove around in a hindustan! she came from a revered "gurukal" household, whose forefathers were sanskrit scholars!! whoa...
and what food! aaahh!...beef fry pepper fried mussels roast chicken karimeen curry n fry putta kadala tapoica n kaccha kela bhaaji barrota appams fish n chicken biryani...o man, so delightfully sinful...ate slept travelled ate slept travelled...
o da damn phone broke it my thought processssss...

o these goenchos!

...excitedly i rode to margao to get digital prints of all they had shot the previous day n this morning only to run into the good ol goan siesta! aaargh!...1-3pm sorry no printing, our shop is open but...what if i need it urgent? 100rupees per print! whattt?? left the shop aghast...found photopaper n figured it'd be easier to print it on tino's psc.
i was tired n thought i'd show them chaplin's 'gold rush' post lunch...

the initial chaplin antics had them in splits, but midway they lost interest or got distracted by hubert's tattoo art...black n white is boring no, said one. i pulled it out n we talked about cartoons n animation n i told them that my friend geetanjali had made a short film (printed rainbow)that i wanted them to see...rapt attention!...i think she's dreaming, said one...again black n white, complained another...is she dead, asked one sadly towards the end...yaaay she's alive! o so soon it got over, can we see it again...i beamed broadly!

the second day

...the kids landed up at 8:30am itself! and brought along 2 more kids...n later another 3 naval school kids landed up...phew! how was i going to manage 18-19 kids??!! luckily, there was tino's friend - hubert who came down from pune.

he did some drawing with one group as i took the other lot with mic n headphones up to a hillside full of birds...

they were amazed how clearly the mic picked up the sounds...on our way back, we went over to some of the kids houses since they wanted to take pics of their parents or whoever was at home. sure, i said...my finger in one of their hands, my face being stuffed with ripe black sweet karvandas...we went house to house...



so thats, schubert n sybol with their older brother; ancy with her parents and nelisha, savio n myron with their granny n kid sister. such a nice way to get to know my future neighbours...ancy's dad makes the best urraak around; schubert's mum sells fruits all day from 7am n comes home only around 10pm!! nelisha was my inexhaustible translator...

meanwhile!

elections are round the corner n this ward has been reserved for women...

saturn struck!

ever since i got this telescope, i've been dying to see saturn. my first night in goa, at a friend's (mike) newly constructed house, we set it up n soaked in the glorious half moon. Mike's niece wasn't impressed n kept perstering me to find saturn once i told her that saturn is also somewhere up there. tried several times to locate but failed, gave up n went down to dinner...

...post-dinner, i decided to give it one last try n within minutes sighted this most beautiful ringed object...my heart leapt with joy as i screamed out, 'i found it'! up ran everyone - aunts, cousins, uncle...simran danced around i saw saturn i saw saturn she cell-phoned immediately her less fortunate cousins in bombay n her dad.

i stayed up n kept looking...couldn't get over the sight...i am finally seeing saturn. this pic looks close to what we saw that night. just that the rings weren't along the horizontal, but vertical! what a trip!!...o i want that camera mount so i can take pics too...soon!

read more

the kids!

...so some 14 kids turned up this morning!! mostly from the neighbourhood itself, which was a good thing...then some of the workers' kids who spoke only telegu or kannad or hindi...so we had this crazy simultaneous multi-lingual workshop!...good fun i had...so what if i spoke only in english, the kids translated for each other. to them language was not a problem (like it was in my head). we drew, wrote stories, looked for appropriate frames, did a blind walk n took some pics with the digital cam.
suddenly, midway one kid would go, ajay i'm feeling hungry!...

workshop pics

the calm before the storm...tino surveys the "arrangments"...while i'm all wired up n hooked up!

the eve

...it's a dark cloudy n muggy night. not a leaf moves as my stomach churns as tomorrow nears. i'm trying to be cool about it...but meeting 5 of the 10-12 kids who are gonna be coming tomorrow helped...they're from the local school n seemed most excited. tino got the place cleaned up while i went to margao to make all the necessary purchases. i'll post some pics tomorrow, but for now, you'll just have to take my word ;)

tested out all the equipment i brought along n the tv here, cut up black chart paper into large rectangles, read up some more, visited photo labs n then dipped into tino's lil oval pool when it all got too much. i've decided to get to know this area/place through these kids n this workshop. their families, school, friends, interesting places...

they're gonna be teaching me konkani they said!! n show me birds, tell me names of the trees that grow here, fruit, fish...you get the drift...now, let's see what i end up doing with them!! o n i got these blank page notebooks where they'll draw, write, stick things, their photos even...friday n saturday 9am to 5pm or so...tino gently reminds me it is goa n people will come late, not at all or may come half day!!

has anyone here done stuff with kids 7-17yr olds? any vishesh tipnees? i've carried along a couple of charlie chaplins n geeta's 'printed rainbow'!! on that happy note...goodnite!!

more pics!!!

of my fav caju!...been having some real nice urraak, which is the first distillate of caju feni! light n fruity...with lime n salt n soda! faaab!

pic post!!

some wild flowers around the plot!

pic post!

anyone knows names of these?

workshop-ing

...so i leave for goa tomorrow early morning, for what should be the beginings of the resource centre for kids i've been thinking about...it is an idea i've had in my head for a while and now it is time to get my hands dirty. figured that we'd keep it low-key this time round and approach it like a trial/pilot workshop. call kids from the neighbourhood as opposed to go public with ads, leaflets and announcements. this way, i'll get a feel of the kids of kids, their backgrounds, get to know about their school n teachers, teaching aids available n being used or not, my own comfort level with them (as i've only done this with grad n post grad students), language issues (no konkani is almost non-existant!!)...

my friend tino will be doing stuff on theatre n pottery and me on the audio-visual medium. so like a creativity workshop, where your expression could be in any of these media...i'm carrying a 35mm still cam, chottu digital still cam, my mini-dv camcorder, laptop AND a telescope!!...printed out the sky map for the 26th and feel most excited...

but also so much anxiety/trepidation/nervousness...what if no one lands up!! but i've just decided to have a blast, try things i've never done before...will keep you posted!!

new!

sushma smiling for my new panasonic lx1 (it shoots in 16:9, cool no!)

checking out digital cameras at alfa (where else?!)

how to shake mtnl up

...for the last few weeks, i've been having a torrid time with my otherwise makkhan mtnl broadband connection. the adsl light just wouldn't stay steady. i'd call the helpline 1504 be on hold forever, they'd check that all is well from their side n pass the buck on to the exchange. but at the exchange, no one would pick up the phone or worse, they'd pick up, bark into it n slam it down mid-complaint. now that really gets my goat...

this went on for almost everyday for over 10days. today, i had had enough. i pulled out my camera, stuck a tape in, turned it on n walked right in into the "broadband saheb's office", but of course he's not there. got staff trying variously to explain to me where saab might have gone. naashta, chai, baahar...meanwhile, two others with the same complaint join me...

saab aa gaya, said someone..n in we trooped, my camera still rolling. sticking the lens into saab's face, i ask. "mr raghavan pls explain to me why my broadband connection is not working"..
err , have a seat...are you recording this? (sheepishly)
-yes, i'm fed up.(angrily)
but let me see what the problem is...
-your staff knows about this problem for 10days now.
o let me see. SAWANT!...inka number lena aur check karke batao (eyeing the camera)

my tirade didn't stop...iptv...privatisation..no planning...no capacity...don't...can't...i told him i wasn't going to leave till it is fixed. n sat put in his office while he tried to placate me, urging me to turn it off, offering me chai, ordering more staff on the job!...

i do turn it off eventually n then he says, pls understand i have joined here only 2 weeks ago. i am actually a refrigeration engineer, by training!!!!!!!!! pathetic... he goes on to tell me what a mess mtnl is in, no staff, not trained, how the guy before him neglected this department...after chai, i have not one, but two engineers dispatched with me home to fix the problem. haan, aur extra router bhi leyke jaanaa. why not, i muttered under my breath...it is 1.30pm now! prime lunch time!!

anyways, as it turned out there was a problem with the router... that changed..here i am!! beaming ear to ear!! but come to think about it..not very different from the mess the rest of the city is in - our roads, these malls...sighhhh

103 not out!

yaay! got to my hundred...finally!...for sometime felt like chetan chauhan on 99not out!!...cheers! and thanks for reading n writing in...

...on a quiet sunday morning...

...comes 5yr old ruhaan, home without his mother. we play for a bit and then he gets distracted by this:
"is this a girl or a boy?"
"i dunno, what do you think?"
"i think it's a girl"
"why do you think so?"
"she's wearing a skirt"
"skirt? that's a dress!"
"whatever, i think she's a girl"
"but then these days, boys also wear clothes like this"
"ya that's true"
"so then?"
"but then it'll be a new idea for me!"

sex!

...with so much being said, written n discussed about the need for sex education...i went back the one class we had while in school...7th or 6th standard we must've been in...and all i can remember is our school counsellor telling us boys not too spend too much time in the toilet n the bath - "the devil will put evil thoughts in your mind"...fat miss coral, lil did she know we were trying to figure out boobs from doobs and would get mighty turned on by 'big' miss flo's powdered cleavage n drop pencils on the floor to look up her short skirt as she walked by our bench...o what a joy!!

...of course, later came, human digest, debonair, playboy n even penthouse...and my first pondy - caligulla (or some such thing)...so much for birds n bees! ha!!

rakhi sawant on koffee!!!!!!!!

...can you imagine that??!!...watch this space for more ;)

stories!

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth"...there just has to be a beginning!..the creation story...the easter story...today, after buying easter eggs n after mukul dropped me home, i suddenly felt like going for the easter vigil mass. now that wasn't the bad part...i've always loved the easter night mass...a lot more than christmas midnight mass...the lights off, the lighting of the candles...all very moody n pretty in golden...but then i remembered why i stopped going to church, to mass in the first place...it's these incorrugible priests n their unbearable sermons!...tonight's young turk sashayed betw english n hindi...thundering fist-clenched, "ye sab dan brown, cameroon uncle hai bakwaas, but jesu christ apna hai chakaas!"...yikes! i walked out, couldn't take it anymore...hope my mum don't read this...so he was talkin about about the da vinci code n how these lekkhaks, theatrewalley are all bakwaas!

...as i church-going kid, i remember trying to devise ways of throwing my voice (unnoticed)over the congregation to be picked up by the mic, to challenge the crap they seemed to be dishing out...

happy easter everybody!

heat n passion

...call it global warming or local area overheating...but it's gone so f***in hot! on my bike this afternoon to pay bills etc ...came back home soaked in sweat n eyes burning...cooled off with this huuge glass of watermelon juice...aaah!

i better go climb a glacier before they become molehills!...n imagine this - finally after so many years and countless billions of rupees, india n pak won't have to fight over siachen!...and meanwhile, what you hindoos gonna do about the big lingam meltdown at amarnath?!!...speaking of which - it is maundy thursday today...the night of the last supper when jesus washes the feet of his disciples (love one another as i have loved you)...knowing well that one among them is going to betray him. peter later, denies him thrice before the cock crows..setting the stage for the biggest drama in christianity - the passion of christ...fuel for several films n a powerful metaphor in derek jarman's garden

by tomorrow, good friday, pilate would've washed his hands off the decision to crucify jesus...an image i want to use in my film...more on that later...

everything you wanted to know about kbc

as i was saying...time n again i've been asked for tech details on kbc...here goes:
kbc moving lights:
kbc3 lighting was designed to reflect the show's new host and its increased play area, while staying true to the familiar look and feel of the original show. by bunging in a whole new set of lights we were able achieve greater creative freedom and control in terms of the varying colour palettes and light moves.

*we had 12 color kinetic LED washes in the pit which provided the right amount of colour saturation to the transparent bowl over which the game was played.
*10 robe color spot 1200's in a semi-circular ring over the audience which defined the show look with their up n down moves to the music.
*4 robe color spot 1200's on a circular metal truss just above the hot seat to heighten the drama when the stakes get higher by these very bright pools of light converging over computerji in a burn-out.
*10 robe scan 1200 xt's under the first row audience, thru the floor behind the contestants which created the best break link we've had on kbc. my fav!
*6 sgm victory 250's behind the host's entry position - a desperate attempt to "do something different" from the rotating beam of light behind ab's ass!
*160 color kinetic led batons on the pillars, floor strips and transluscent outer circle under the contestants providing us endless colour combinations.
*16 par cans in a semi-circular ring as audience back light with combinations of lee 180 dark lavendar, 079 just blue, 115 peacock blue and 021 golden amber colour gels.
2 haze machines to smoke up the place to enhance the shows trademark moving beams of light. and all this dmx-controlled by the jands vista lighting console.

conventional lights: or duffah lights ;)
*4 5k canara fresnels with lee colour correcting 202 half blue gel provided the face lights to both, host and hot seat contestant. the fill-lights softened with butter paper. the key light served as back light for the other.
*10 1k canara fresnels with lee 202 for the 10 contestants while they sat playing fastest-finger-first.
*6 2k canara multi-20's with cc blue glass filter for the audience face lights.
*6 1k canara fresnels with lee 202 and 153 pale salmon to break the evenness of the multi-20s.
*2 1k canara fresnels with lee 202 for the companion of the hot seat contestant.
all these duffahs were patched into a dmx-controllable dimmer packs so that they too could be triggered off by the lighting console.
we worked at 60footcandles for face lights all over. while the moving lights ranged between 160 to 320fc, giving us a good balance to shoot at an aperture of 2.8

cameras:
there were a total of 7 sony dxc-d35 cameras with fujinon 12x lenses, shooting at 5600K to give us an enhanced blue palette of the moving lights.
cam 1 on contestant at hot seat + contestant intros.
cam 2 on frontal host/contestant 2-shot.
cam 3 on host cu
cam 4 on contestant/host os + contestant intros.
cam 5 on companion + audience reactions
cam 6 on jimmy jib (18ft length) with 4.5 wide angle lens making the set look huger than it really is.
cam 7 on half-round trolley behind the audience.

...hmmm have i left out anything?? so there! now you know!!

april fool!

...got all excited when sush called to say that i've been featured in today's bombay times about kbc...by the time sur called i began to get suspicious! ha! had completely forgotten all about april fool's day!...spent a good part of the morning, plotting more such pranks on several more unsuspecting fools!!

but now, as i write - sri lanka is plotting west indies ka exit from the world cup n i am so sad...desperately want w indies to win. but then the lankan boys are playing their hearts out...such a trip watching them. o i am sooo glad we lost n are out of the world cup...pathetic bunch of overpaid under-performing slobs! hope some sanity is restored all over - us fans, the advertisers, the bookies, the players n the board...n hope like hell other sports get a boost as a result...but nay....

namesake

finally saw namesake tonight...at this run-down movietime in malad...a late start n incorrect projection gate got me all pissed off to start with...the film itself hardly moved, som good ol mira nair exotica, tabu looked awful, nitin sawhney wasted, some really arbit cutting n unecessary flashbacks...most disappointing. was looking foward to seeing my fav actress tabu...but she just didn't hit the right key this time. irrfan on the other hand, was brilliant. next!....

the morning after

...oddly, woke up early after having slept laate...after an insufferable special closing episode at kbc...with kareena n priyanka and salman n katrina...all my drooling over p evaporated as soon as the questions were thrown at them...the shoot dragged on until 2am!! none of us in the mood to party after that...didn't even say bye to srk :( but then i'll meet him at koffee for sure ;)

there's a kingfisher on the wire that runs outside our window chirruping away...n a solitary koyal ...some mainas n parrots and a tit (i think)...a nice quiet morning...well past noon!!

boys n girls, goodbye!

...here i am sitting in the control room of kbc ...for the last time today...have been with it since the very first episode in april 2000!...it kind of defined a certain trajectory in my life...of combining multi-cam television work with docu n teaching. giving me enough to pursue my heart...something i stumbled upon (as opposed to some preconceived goal) early in life and have enjoyed the flexibility and freedom it offered...

my first film happened only coz of kbc...where i'd shoot, get money, go down to goa, shoot, finish my money, come back to bombay, shoot some more, go back, come log tapes in between two episodes...figured it was a good way to be!...

so many years and so much multi-cam work later, i find i've become lazier, can't hold a thought, hate the way i shoot, thinking dulled, responses slow, n generally quieter...it was something friends warned me about but i persevered...on my own terms, doing only the kind of shows i wanted...

discovered that as dop, one does less n less "creative" work n need to do more n more pr, hr n of course be responsible for a team of 6-8 operative cameramen. it is the one thing i hate - negotiating rates, ensuring timely payments, taking flak but it also strengthened me as a person...made me a hard nut esp when dealing with haraami production types.

but it always feels good to sit down with the boys, like last night, downing a beer over fried fish...telling stories, bitching, ranting, pulling leg...i don't think i want to do more of this tho'...wanna bow out with with koffee...

feels like i have achieved what i wanted out of this...a nice home of our own here in bombay, a patch of land in goa with the dream taking shape there of a media centre for kids, time now to finish my film on my dad...and get on with life beyond the air-conditioned comfort of a studio...n onto anouk!

tho i wish i had done more docu work, wish i had worked on film, wished i had assisted one of my gods, wished i had gone back to school...i feel more than ever before that i am ready to work on a 35mm feature film. not ads, no...

television has changed dramatically since june1994 when i begun...with tv18...from being fiercely independent of chanels to be completely subservient...from bar-raising production values to the lowest common denominator...not very different from what we saw in the print media...it is all about dulling your responses...about beating your resistances down...slowly...about compromising...but then i AM good ol wishy washy charlie brown!!

don't particularly know where this post is going or how much sense it is making...but i think i'm sounding like some ol fart!

i've been on a couple of occassions, asked to write a "how-to" book on multi-cam tv production!!! i think one of these days i'll at least post the light n camera lowdown on kbc...we end the schedule with a huuge party on the set tonight...to celebrate srk, to say bye to sameer...then, i will quietly... unknownst to the rest say my goodbye to studio number 7...which became daftar for the last 7 years...

n the bad

reviews n images of royston abel's "flowers" were stunning!...jumped at it when mukul offered us a couple of tickets. evocative, beautiful, sensuous, stark, dreamy, arresting, aromatic...was all these n more when we entered the theatre at prithvi...but within the first fifteen minutes, it seemed more like some esoteric porn ...rajit perched high up on a supine hard-on ruminating about lust n guilt n love torn ...in the worst monotone accompanied by some atmospheric sounds that together lulled me to deep wonderful slumber!...

...woke up to realise i had missed the climax!! damn!...(of course i'm lying!!)

the good n the bad!

...sitting here on the kbc sets waiting for the man to arrive...i can post thanks to wifi (now just how cool is that!)...first, the good:
the cc session at the vikalp-nova festival was a big hit! so well-attended, it suprised us...though in retrospect, i wish we were better prepared. this was the first time i got involved in the organising of a cc event. n was being kinda tentative n reticient...almost like wanting to see how "they" did things. there was the usual problem of not enough people volunteering or taking responsibility that plagues initiatives like these...i got involved a lil late in life n got hooked...i've always felt we (filmmakers, technicians) don't talk enough about our own work. it is something that propels me to do the erratic monthly screenings at home...

the bar at seijo in bandra, made for a strange venue for a discussion on documentary film making. but thanks to sunil's chinese lanterns et al, transformed it into a nice cozy initimate space. the scope of the afternoons' discussions was never clearly spelt out at the outset - not by murali, not by sanjeev either...n we didn't preface enough the clips we chose to show nor discuss them later. i chickened out last minute leaving muks to it all - cueing n introducing. our two guest presenters - rahul n ramani spoke of crises in indian docu filmmaking. whyever didn't they tell us the previous evening...maybe we'd have been able to tie up the entire session a lot better n be a lot more focussed. n since the belgian filmmakers were around we had to include them too. i felt all this took away from opening out the discussion to the audience....

nevertheless, it felt good...good to be talking, sharing...good not to have the imposing anand rakesh duo around...good to talk beyond censorship n political film...i personally was happy with the cross-section of films we presented tho missed showing a clip from 'zulmat' n 'kamlabai'...and most thrilled to hear that people enjoyed the session afterall!

over a drink back home with muks n sudheer, i vowed to be more involved next time n take responsibility...

superNova

...so the vikalp-nova festival got off to a cracking start last evening at national college bandra. not a full house but almost! and that was good. i sat out (again) of amudhan's "shit" n went in for avikuntak's "endnotes"...which didn't do anything for me. indulgent esoteric n cold. missed the belgian films ostensibly waiting to discuss today's cc's (cinematographers combine) presentation on 'shooting documentary'.

a few of us have been talking about it over the last few days...watching a variety of recent work...identifying suitable clips...it feels good - the engagement with this our chosen medium of expression. how budget constraints the look of the film, not just look even the the choice of subject and its treatment. sudheer, murali, mukul, arun, ramani, rahul...all dada's in their own way.

may there be more...

blue

antoine's mum passed away early sunday morning...a strange sense of relief i felt for antoine...he's had it quite hard with her. guilt! that classic christian raison d'etre...my mum...george's too...together we would drown our "mother" rants in beer...so peaceful she looked all dressed up in bed...the dogs restive as the family trickled in...blue! i decided was her favourite colour as i pulled out my baatik shirt...
o blue come forth
o blue arise
o blue ascend
o blue come in
...like jarman, she liked her garden...she'd been preparing for sometime now...

i hate funerals, especially the moment they lower the coffin into the grave...my point when the levee breaks...but yesterday, i kinda steeled myself into carrying the coffin out of the church n into the cemetary...n even waved her goodbye, as i carried sanah, who was trying very hard to make sense of it all...

the cemetary itself awash in this golden glow of the setting sun...

und shund...

it's midweek aready and there was tons i was supposed to do...my to-do list has now reached no.21!! last night was good fun with bodhi staying over unexpectedly...talking sharing in his very characteristic way. he's been working on the history n economics of the recording industry in india at the turn of the century for a couple of years now. his last (very academic)writings went right over my head. so this time, for gowars like me, he had this powerpoint presentation (complete with audio clips) which was most rivetting! excerpts from diaries of the early "expeditions" to record "for the natives"...hope he makes a film out of it all.

between the opening world cup game betw pak n w indies, we caught up about all we've been upto and my plans for this media resource centre in goa. always so forthright and wide-ranging..."it is not as much as what you want to do but what is needed there"...so true...seems like a lot of work! n need to think quickly if i am to do my first workshop end april there.

was most kicked to learn that west indies beat pakistan...on waking up this morning.

meanwhile, the end of kbc is in sight...much prefer this concentrated short spells of tv work. happy to have cracked the "look" right down to the way it appears on our tv sets. need to desperately do that for koffee which looks like hell on air...someone's gonna chop my head off one of these days!

finished my year at sophiya's too...on a very upbeat note this time, with one of the films turning out real good. about this girl who's left home n her parents to do this course n her relationship with them. could've been ordinary, just that her parents can't hear...are you happy? her dad would ask her...i know she is...and we all are!...she won the just-insitituted tv18 award for excellence in documentary film making...such a good idea, zubin!

just when i was still beaming...this ex-student of mine couldn't remember what i taught her!!...when asked by bodhi, so what does ajay teach you guys? :(

chandoba! revisited!!

...i ask anouk where's the moon tonight?...promptly goes her forefinger pointing upwards...no, i say!...moon not there!...bhow! bhow! she goes, pointing to nowhere in particular, hearing the colony dogs whine n howl their hearts out.

my first lunar eclipse thru the telescope was absolutely stunning to say the least. thanks to sudheer, i woke up in time from my drunken slumber, to watch the earth shadow the moon slowly n completely. coming so close on the heels of the roger waters concert, i could not but help recall - "There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it's all dark."
so close on the heels of the roger waters concert

yaaay! i'm back!

so many things i wanted to write about these last few days...so i'll do so lil by lil. lemme see if this gets thru...

help! no font selection box, no insert pic option, no text being published :(

whatthefuck??!!

chandoba chandoba, laplaas ka?

going going goan (yikes! bad one)

...just back from a short 3day trip to goa...to see how work on my new plot of land is progressing and to discuss a weekend summer workshop with tino - ceramic artist friend...all's well there and we've even hit water.

but on a drive up across the plateau above us we were horrified to see largescale rock-blasting and land-flattening...all to feed a new mega housing project...of course there is no board announcing it, though there's this spanking new road (without a single private car/bike) abuzz with dumper trucks n jvc's. someone's fattening the golden goose!!

back home, on revisiting google earth, we realise that we have the last of the two arms of greenery along the valley down from that plateau...increasing our resolve to preserve it...but therein lies the dilemma - the rubble that will come in to "terrace" our new property is going to come from up there. the wild shrubbery that we're "clearing" to get "an idea of the land" will deprive the multitude of birds their home...tiktoktiktok...whattodowhattodo??

later, i go to caranzalem to anita's...and got lost!! i couldn't recognise the place and couldn't find her row of buildings...the local insatiable glutton mla has filled up ricefields, broadened roads running thru people's houses, put up round-abouts with tall halogen lighting...all for another fat goose - a premium humungus housing project pushed by either the mining dons or sahara! crazy!!

what am i ranting about - the apt i am in now here in bombay is built on a plot which was reserved as a playground for the area. once upon a time not so long ago, this must've been a thick wild forest...and so was bandra...can see goa going the same way but in an accelerated sort of way...and the rest of india and indeed most of the planet...i guess we'll all just evolve to need less water and drop a pill for food!! burp!!!

"Remember that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return". Gen3:19

...thought i'd something more to say

...as i was growing up, when words failed (as they often did), there was ALWAYS pink floyd-
"Sweetheart sweetheart are you fast asleep,
good "cos that's the only time that I can really talk to you
and there is something that I've locked away
a memory that is too painful
to withstand the light of day."
evocative, succinct and bang-on!... the music ethereal n haunting n ever-changing. never imagined i'd see/hear them "in the flesh". but after hearing roger waters perform "dark side of the moon" last night i can die in peace!...i guess...

so what if it was just 25% of the original pink floyd, so what if he was way to old to hit the high notes and had to lip-sync some portions, so what if they said he was egomaniacal and precipitated the groups' break-up...he wrote exactly what was on my mind, in a way that seemed just so perfect. forever critical, very political, often depressing and at times morbid.

tears swelled over by the time he reached
"now i've got that feeling once again,
i cannot explain, you will not understand,
this is not how i am,
iiiiiiii have become comfortably numb"
transporting me back to the time i tried od-ing on calmpose...that was almost twenty years ago... walkin down the corridors at xaviers, sam's blue panasonic walkman blasting my ears with"final cut"...i had discovered pink floyd!

"the wall" eeriely seemed like the story of my own life n living...complete! audio n visual!! haven't ever identified as closely with a singer-songwriter...wished i had bought the 3k tics ...only to have been closer to have touched the ground HE walked on...

"Black and blue
and who know which is which and who is who
Up and down
but in the end it's round and round"

ma i'll call you back in 2 mins!

as usual, my cell phone remained on through the shoot at kbc...as usual, my mum (who lives alone) called...as usual, i said "i'll call you back in two mins"...without listening!...just that, this time when i called back, heard the pain n fear in her voice...she had had a fall while in the bath! and her left hand wouldn't move...

an hour later, at the orthopedic clinic, the x-ray reveals a broken displaced left wrist which needs surgery...thank god for a friend n c! who rushed there. as my rick hurtled towards the clinic, kept thinking about my boys who haveto keep their phones off as it interferes with the video recording...godcursed!

rough cuts!

...there's something about watching rough cuts...i feel completely energised, excited n happy to be part of the process of the making of a film. (so what if my face remains deadpan ;) ...besides a good reminder to go back to my own film!

been watching my students' rough cuts over the last two days. one film turning out really well. one in icu and the other two will shape up in the edit. but it is also that time of the year i feel most frustrated by the course limitations and esp by the director's intransigence about the way stories can be told. feel awful for the students n often find myself stoking rebellion. i need to find myself a new place to teach...any suggestions people?

saw the rough cut of paro's latest film for psbt on the meerut "operation majnu" madness. i remember feeling so much anger seeing that policewoman inspector slap young people -couples, casual bystanders and hangers-around...a cheap publicity stunt by a sick mind which reckless tv news channels hankered over. the film slick, with paro's now trademark style of embellishing the images with sfx, split screens and strapping tv grabs. always engaging n thought-provoking...but the style getting predictable.

then, tomorrow surabhi's caribbean magnum opus about remo n chutney music there. must quickly get back to my film...no more excuses!

dis guy's da god!

one tree, three days, two hours, some fading gods!...and me among a few thousand live-concert-starved fans...sreamed myself hoarse asking for more, but the 10pm deadline rules! sucks really...but, at 60+ these guys still rock - buddy guy, guitar shorty, walter trout...a rare blues blast...n so much fun they had jammin...n so much fun we had...sneaking quarters in my socks...making me feel like some desperate teenager!! but great fun...we want more! we want more!...

...i'll see you on the dark side of the moon next!....

10 reasons why i prefer srk to the old man

1. You CAN talk to srk!

2. I don't have to take light readings one foot over my head!!

3. He gave me a big bear hug at the launch!

4. He's made the game a lot more fun.

5. He shakes hands with the cameramen after the shoot.

6. He gives away tag heur watches n i want one!

7. He's jamia's most famous drop-out!

8. more when i think of more ;)

gurubhai!

we've gotten used to tv news as entertainment and entertainment as news...but an ad-film parading as a full-length feature film?? at 12crore, guru has just got to be the most expensive and unabashed ad-film to be made...ever! money ratnam sir has finally sold out...making me both, sad n angry...so many years ago chomsky wrote about "manufacturing consent"...reliance even tried getting some big docu filmmaker friends to pitch for a film on why sez's are a good thing!!

abhishek's shameless defense of unfair industry practices as the climax made me ill ...but then we were just about 13-15 people in the audience at the start of the second week! made me wonder how come the gujju-bhais hadn't lapped up the film. but, mithunda was a revelation...quietly commanding our attention. and i believe a lot of madhavan's scenes with abhishek were cut out only coz he appeared much stronger!!

...and with reliance buying adlabs and adlabs buying synergy, the juggernaut's only getting bigger n closer to over-running the country. however much i may hate monopolies, i remind myself that for the most part of my television life, my cheques have been coming in from murdoch n now from ambani!! no runing away from that ...no hole big enough to hide...there i stand head in hand...

a happy new year indeed!

...i've been meaning to write ever since the last sun went down on 2006...damn! it is almost the end of jan already!! and here's wishing you all good things this new year. i couldn't have asked for a better start to the year - am lighting both - kbc and koffee, and between shahrukh n karan, going all crosseyed and hugely sleep-deprived. but it's been fun...all the pressure n the attention these two shows get. kbc back with the same set but big demands for "something new", besides of course, srk. more about that later.

koffee was a lot more fulfilling with a new set. have really enjoyed lighting sharmista roy's sets. so correctly proportioned and an understated chic look. needles to say this has consumed all of me until last evening. running from one set (in film city) to the other in yashraj (andheri) tho' wasn't so much fun. crawling amidst honking n fumes for a full hour n fifteen minutes over a mere 12kms or so!! exasperating...annoying...tiring...infuriating... how i missed my bicycle!!

watched that last '06 sun go down with so much relief...a hard year it was, esp the end... made worse by the absolutely horrific noida maniac - children abused, killed, bodies mutilated n thrown down a gutter...over months...while the poor parents only got barked at by the police...and the sickening tv coverage n the usual political "passing the parcel"...

scary...while partying on new year's eve at mukul's i didn't want to think....just wanted to forget...got high, danced with no one in particular and left without saying bye! :)

but i still miss my bro-in-law a lot...mad man...fat man! cheers to you and to the final settlement of the chembur family property matter. "When HE closes one door, HE always opens a window, at least"...or so it is said...you win some, you lose some...but why do we have to lose at all...like mike...so so broken to have lost his sister...

and some good news from delhi...c!'s mum is recovering slowly from her angioplasty and fracture. while her dad hasn't been too impressesd with his new "digital" hearing aid. i hope i can make it back to delhi before it hots up again, to spend some more time with them.

hope to be more regular with my postings too...this jan-end will be a year since i begun this blog! wishing you all lots of happiness n peace ...looks like i'll have to end this with amen!! ;)

whatthefuck!

did you see that??...a neatly carved out huuuuge chunk of forested hills very close to where we live...shocked, numbed...further east is vihar n tulsi lakes...and that damn goregaon-mulund link road is all set to hasten this blitzkrieg. hey rohan, you got to get some of your foot soldiers here to investigate!...today, on tv news i heard that france is sending up a rocket to find another earth...we're gonna be needing it sooner than later!

christmas - it just wasn't the same

...as always the last minute rush to clean house, buy gifts, cook, etc...missed midnight mass but made it in time for lunch at mum's. my sister n kids came home the day before. even at mum's we all felt it, but never spoke about it...on the rick back home after lunch, baba suddenly declares, " i really missed anil uncle today"...

i could imagine my sister going "ptchtch", as she lets out a sigh more eloquent than words. there he sat by the irani table by the door, carefully making our drinks...cheers, anil!...and a very merry christmas. and to you all! come home quick, before the sweets get over!!

kkkkkoffee!

now, if ever there was a double whammy, this is IT!...never in my wildest, i had ever imagined it - i'm gonna be spending the next 3-4months with srk n karan and karan n srk ;)

yes, am doing em both!! kbc AND koffee...so help me god! until now, i had studiously avoided taking up more than one show at a time...just hate this "clash" thing, didn't have the patience nor the aptitude for it. koffee's gonna be back with an all new set, tho' i'm gonna miss the previous set a lot - the best designed and most correctly proportioned set i've ever lit. but am looking foward to working at yashraj studios, with their fancy new lighting grid.

after a four month drought, it sure is pouring!...had to decline two big docu shoots - one for bbc n the other for discovery. and, i cannot go to nairobi to shoot at wsf...am so pissed off, but keeping a tight lid on it. it's back to work boys!... lights!!

what would you like to "see" new on kbc?

so, it is official - i am doing kbc3! yes, with ssssharukh. i was as suprised as anyone else to hear that they (star) are planning yet another round. such desperation! but then, i found myself getting excited about it being srk. i mean, he IS the don thesedays. so am thinking of how to make the show look very edgy. o for those of you who don't know, i'm DP on the show n so get to ask you what you would like to see new on kbc3!!

the basic format remains the same, the look is ALL i am really interested in. i'd love trying to push the mark up a bit more. i think with srk i can take a lot more risks! lets see...so write in...

tho the only bum thing is that it's gonna clash with my other fav show - koffee right thru n that pisses me off no end coz they were to shoot first in oct then nov then dec n now jan :(

but i guess i'll see enough of karan!!

realising real needs!

... the past two months have me taught a lot more about human behaviour - while we may like to think n believe that we are doing things "for" others, 90% of the time we are doing it for ourselves... who's need is it really? i find me asking myself...most times we go momentarily blind...might seem selfish...but a whole lot more honest!

the other thing is "hope" - that undying eternal human feeling...no matter how slender, how faint that glimmer of light, how ridiculous even...but in the end there is always hope! what would we be without it??

i thought i'd write a lot more...but the words don't come...what is it about words that are spoken or written that commit a thought...don't even know if that made any sense...

that's what i like about a blog! so what if it don't make sense, so what if no one reads it... my need...again!

icu to ccu

from the delhi heart and lung institute...

the distances in time seemed uncannily similar...the same hour n half from home to wockhardt and now bombay to delhi! it takes the same 35min from vasant vihar to wockhardt or from iit to panchkuian road...

haven't settled in here as yet...don't know what qns to ask of the docs. the monitors at meeka's bedside v similar to those beside anil. just that her heartbeat is kinda normal and bp too. we're all hoping she remains stable n gets discharged in a day or two.

back in bombay, gopa (a friend of ours from dubai) is having an angiography done in sion even as i write...will someone up there tell me what IS going on??

the only bad part about being an icu/ccu patient's relative is that you can't listen to music in your ears!...they call for you...sometimes...though, you hope that they'll call to say that your patient is being shifted to a room...some of us are lucky...others luckier!...while we lesser mortals are left behind to seek "closure".

to access to good medical care in this country, you got to have money - lots of it, but to get the best, you need to know someone - doctors, directors, surgeons, owners, head nurse...its scary, i'd just rather die!...or maybe, when we have more n know more, we get even more insecure...

and just when you've convinced yourself that you've indeed got the best, there comes someone along who thinks we'll get better elsewhere!...the hunt for the snark continues...even here!...

so srk is going to host kbc3 and yes i got a call...and me, i didn't say no...c!'s been down with severe stomach pain since we got here. hope to do some tests in a day or two. she, like her mum deserves a break from docs n medicines...

i no longer know where i wake up...could sleep some more...missed anil last afternoon a lot as i walked appa in some crisp afternoon winter sun. i did say goodnight to anil, go in peace...but i just didn't want him to go...mercifully, i didn't have to see a hole in the ground eat him up...

two one nine!

they don't call out that number no more...they don't wake you mid sleep anymore. the last time they did that was on the 23rd around 2am to say that 219 has had a cardiac arrest while on dialysis...and to please inform his family...

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Up and down.
But in the end its only round and round.

All that is now
All that is gone
All thats to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

...

goodmorning parrots!

woke up one morning to loud squaking by the window...these two were going nuts to find another parrot in the mirror...they'd look over the edge, not find the reflection, peer back into the mirror n go SQUREECH! for a full 30mins!!...such a good morning it was!

loss

what is it to lose something/someone?

last month i lost my laptop bag with passport, laptop, ipod, money, etc. i wept then coz it felt i had lost "everything"...so many weeks later...after so many days in the icu-patients' relatives waiting room, that loss seems just so so insignificant.

ashes you were and unto ashes will you return...so they say in the bible!

aaah my head reels...what, where, why, how, when...tell me more!!

suddenly one night, my sister asks me how much i remember of the night dad died. only being bundled off to the neighbour's place to sleep, i recall. i'm 6 n she 15...so much anger she felt then...about not being told anything, about not having anything explained to her, about needing to look after 3younger brothers...we hugged each other to sleep...swiftly perished the thought of wishing i had the camera!! don't know when i'll ever finish my film...

here's looking at you - death!!

...it's almost a month now that my bro-in-law's been in the icu...fellow patients' relatives become friends and enormous pillars of strength...but today was the worst day...one such pillar's husband lost the battle. he'd been up n down but never better... his wife and my sister bonded thick n kept each other's spirits up on this roller coaster. her husband fighting excessive uric acid deposits in his body...

this evening, his heartbeat blip went flat...

outside, in the waiting room, the dams burst. they'd been springing leaks all week. try as you might...steel yourself...but when the moment comes, something deep inside just crumbles...his 8yr old son on seeing the white coloured nutrition anil (b-in-law) was receiving, excitedly tells his mum, "they're giving uncle lassi!"

he'd just discovered scrabble two days ago, when i had pulled out the game to distract my sister's very preoccupied mind...

images from bergmans's seventh seal flash by...how much time can we really buy?... while we keep praying that anil wins this round of chess.

you live n you learn

lille- france seems like a distant dream now...been in n out of hospital, keeping my sister company as my brother-in-law fights a hugely enlarged pancreas that is eating itself to death...a condition called necrotising acute pancreatitis - a condition doctors dread coz there's so little they can do.

it's been three weeks now since he walked to a nearby hospital complaining of severe a stomach ache. the sonograph that morning revealed a serious life-threatening condition. Pancreas comes from the Greek pankreas (a combination of pan and kreas) which means 'all meat'. Kreas in Homeric literature meant edible animal flesh!!

but, acute pancreatitis is a rapidly-onset inflammation of the pancreas. Depending on its severity, it can have severe complications and high mortality despite treatment.

and necrotising acute pancreatitis is when the pancreas auto-digests, killing itself due to the very corrosive nature of the enzymes it secretes. My bro-in-law's pancreas is 70% necrotised now. And we are praying v hard that infection does not set in...that can be fatal...n you pray too!

the icu-patients' relatives waiting room is one of life's worst waiting rooms. cellphones buzzing constantly, seldom a smiling face, bursts of tense action, frequent breaking downs, nervous twitches, restless fingers, swollen glassy vacant eyes, bed numbers being beckoned urgently, cold...

the icu itself solemn, cold, same-sized mallu nurses dart purposefully between beds, the pings n dings of life-support gear denying death his feared knock, lcd screens displaying all vital indications...day in n day out...three weeks later, my bro-in-law seems to have lost a sense of date n time. We got him a 2-in-1 last evening so that he can listen to his fav music.

he patiently slowly scribbles what he wants to say or ask one letter at a time on my palm..."no place like home"! he says when i say he's being looked after really well here at wockhardt. "index"? he asks me...index i ask back, only to realise he wants to know how the stock market is doing!! I want to hug him...

he dreamed of sitting down watch the sun go down behind the hills beyond the lake sipping his rum n cola...not even a drop of alcohol now on! my sister didn't know what hit her on the second day, when the doc asked us to call his relatives down. that was the hardest part for me - calling each one of them, repeating the same thing over...making it feel even more impending then.

he's pulled through until now and we hope he'll pull right through. his lung doctor (yes, this is the orbit of super speciality) is not happy with the condition of his lungs. his pancreas doc is happy no infection has set in...will keep you posted. until then blow some good winds his way...

the installation n i

now you know!

I piss on brussels

it was just about a month ago, on my way back to lille after visiting my uncle in cologne...changing trains at brussels midi, had over an hour to kill and so loitered around the station (cardinal sin #1)...looking for (what else?) waffles!! it had been over a year since i'd had one...the memory was tempting enough. backpack still on back i put my laptop bag down (cardinal sin #2) to look up to see which platform my train was going to come and check out the waffles on offer.

out of nowhere came this north african early twenties guy facing me on my right. "amsterdam? amsterdam?" he asked me twice...i was tired, it was a long day n my shoulders were aching...i turned around to look down...but it was gone! fucking shit! felt all the oxygen sucked out of my body...my laptop bag was stolen. looking down in sheer disbelief..closed n opened my eyes just in case they were tricking me!!fuck! i kicked myself! the classic distraction trick...mouth still open, i ran around as if they'd still be around! noooo i cursed myself, how could i let them!

perfect timing! thanksgiving weekend, crowded train station...i was a wreck...looked around some more...had wandered around the station enough to know where exactly the cop station was..."stand back!" growled some white beef in blue...quickly try to bring my heartrate down...lick my lips in a desperate attempt to help words form. "my laptop bag has just be stolen" i blurt out.
"ID?"
"my passport went too...that was my ID!"
"sorry there's nothing I can do for you"
"but...." i stutter...
"you'll have to go to your embassy, i can't help you"

as incredulous as it sounded to me, i walked out in complete disbelief...but i need a police complaint before i go to my embassy, i reasoned in my head ...walking...thinking, i find two security gaurds, repeat my story. they're more compassionate n take me to another cop stn just outside the train stn. there charlie one speaks to tango two and i'm sent back to the train stn cop stn. This time white beef in blue motions me to wait as he is busy. i sit alone...very alone...most calming...

c! won't take her phone, i get my uncle's answering machine...god-cursed!...sms the breaking news...c! still won't answer her phone...more panic-struck just-been-robbed weepies join me...in an hour, we're five!! i shake my head...they shake theirs.

finally, white beef calls for me...i'm upset n angry but calmer by now. i protest immediately about him not having me helped me n worse kept me waiting for an hour now (cardinal sin #3)...white turned to red and my internal alarm blew furiously. quickly climbing down, i apologise and say ya, my laptop bag with my passport's been stolen, what do i need to do? how can you help me? now he tells me that yes he'd give me a letter that i need to get endorsed from my embassy that i am indeed their citizen, then i can come back n he or his colleagues would take my statement! phew! he explained that anyone could walk in n say they'd lost their passport n jump boat...true, i agree, we shake hands n i leave with that cyclostyled piece of paper.

by now, i just had a lil over 20 euros in my wallet (down from the 400odd i had in my laptop bag (cardinal sin#4)...a slow local train tic was all i could afford. my shoulders did feel lighter, i must admit...and settled in to the longest 2hr train ride in my life (the eurostar does it in 40mins!!)