ma i'll call you back in 2 mins!

as usual, my cell phone remained on through the shoot at kbc...as usual, my mum (who lives alone) called...as usual, i said "i'll call you back in two mins"...without listening!...just that, this time when i called back, heard the pain n fear in her voice...she had had a fall while in the bath! and her left hand wouldn't move...

an hour later, at the orthopedic clinic, the x-ray reveals a broken displaced left wrist which needs surgery...thank god for a friend n c! who rushed there. as my rick hurtled towards the clinic, kept thinking about my boys who haveto keep their phones off as it interferes with the video recording...godcursed!

rough cuts!

...there's something about watching rough cuts...i feel completely energised, excited n happy to be part of the process of the making of a film. (so what if my face remains deadpan ;) ...besides a good reminder to go back to my own film!

been watching my students' rough cuts over the last two days. one film turning out really well. one in icu and the other two will shape up in the edit. but it is also that time of the year i feel most frustrated by the course limitations and esp by the director's intransigence about the way stories can be told. feel awful for the students n often find myself stoking rebellion. i need to find myself a new place to teach...any suggestions people?

saw the rough cut of paro's latest film for psbt on the meerut "operation majnu" madness. i remember feeling so much anger seeing that policewoman inspector slap young people -couples, casual bystanders and hangers-around...a cheap publicity stunt by a sick mind which reckless tv news channels hankered over. the film slick, with paro's now trademark style of embellishing the images with sfx, split screens and strapping tv grabs. always engaging n thought-provoking...but the style getting predictable.

then, tomorrow surabhi's caribbean magnum opus about remo n chutney music there. must quickly get back to my film...no more excuses!

dis guy's da god!

one tree, three days, two hours, some fading gods!...and me among a few thousand live-concert-starved fans...sreamed myself hoarse asking for more, but the 10pm deadline rules! sucks really...but, at 60+ these guys still rock - buddy guy, guitar shorty, walter trout...a rare blues blast...n so much fun they had jammin...n so much fun we had...sneaking quarters in my socks...making me feel like some desperate teenager!! but great fun...we want more! we want more!...

...i'll see you on the dark side of the moon next!....

10 reasons why i prefer srk to the old man

1. You CAN talk to srk!

2. I don't have to take light readings one foot over my head!!

3. He gave me a big bear hug at the launch!

4. He's made the game a lot more fun.

5. He shakes hands with the cameramen after the shoot.

6. He gives away tag heur watches n i want one!

7. He's jamia's most famous drop-out!

8. more when i think of more ;)

gurubhai!

we've gotten used to tv news as entertainment and entertainment as news...but an ad-film parading as a full-length feature film?? at 12crore, guru has just got to be the most expensive and unabashed ad-film to be made...ever! money ratnam sir has finally sold out...making me both, sad n angry...so many years ago chomsky wrote about "manufacturing consent"...reliance even tried getting some big docu filmmaker friends to pitch for a film on why sez's are a good thing!!

abhishek's shameless defense of unfair industry practices as the climax made me ill ...but then we were just about 13-15 people in the audience at the start of the second week! made me wonder how come the gujju-bhais hadn't lapped up the film. but, mithunda was a revelation...quietly commanding our attention. and i believe a lot of madhavan's scenes with abhishek were cut out only coz he appeared much stronger!!

...and with reliance buying adlabs and adlabs buying synergy, the juggernaut's only getting bigger n closer to over-running the country. however much i may hate monopolies, i remind myself that for the most part of my television life, my cheques have been coming in from murdoch n now from ambani!! no runing away from that ...no hole big enough to hide...there i stand head in hand...

a happy new year indeed!

...i've been meaning to write ever since the last sun went down on 2006...damn! it is almost the end of jan already!! and here's wishing you all good things this new year. i couldn't have asked for a better start to the year - am lighting both - kbc and koffee, and between shahrukh n karan, going all crosseyed and hugely sleep-deprived. but it's been fun...all the pressure n the attention these two shows get. kbc back with the same set but big demands for "something new", besides of course, srk. more about that later.

koffee was a lot more fulfilling with a new set. have really enjoyed lighting sharmista roy's sets. so correctly proportioned and an understated chic look. needles to say this has consumed all of me until last evening. running from one set (in film city) to the other in yashraj (andheri) tho' wasn't so much fun. crawling amidst honking n fumes for a full hour n fifteen minutes over a mere 12kms or so!! exasperating...annoying...tiring...infuriating... how i missed my bicycle!!

watched that last '06 sun go down with so much relief...a hard year it was, esp the end... made worse by the absolutely horrific noida maniac - children abused, killed, bodies mutilated n thrown down a gutter...over months...while the poor parents only got barked at by the police...and the sickening tv coverage n the usual political "passing the parcel"...

scary...while partying on new year's eve at mukul's i didn't want to think....just wanted to forget...got high, danced with no one in particular and left without saying bye! :)

but i still miss my bro-in-law a lot...mad man...fat man! cheers to you and to the final settlement of the chembur family property matter. "When HE closes one door, HE always opens a window, at least"...or so it is said...you win some, you lose some...but why do we have to lose at all...like mike...so so broken to have lost his sister...

and some good news from delhi...c!'s mum is recovering slowly from her angioplasty and fracture. while her dad hasn't been too impressesd with his new "digital" hearing aid. i hope i can make it back to delhi before it hots up again, to spend some more time with them.

hope to be more regular with my postings too...this jan-end will be a year since i begun this blog! wishing you all lots of happiness n peace ...looks like i'll have to end this with amen!! ;)

whatthefuck!

did you see that??...a neatly carved out huuuuge chunk of forested hills very close to where we live...shocked, numbed...further east is vihar n tulsi lakes...and that damn goregaon-mulund link road is all set to hasten this blitzkrieg. hey rohan, you got to get some of your foot soldiers here to investigate!...today, on tv news i heard that france is sending up a rocket to find another earth...we're gonna be needing it sooner than later!

christmas - it just wasn't the same

...as always the last minute rush to clean house, buy gifts, cook, etc...missed midnight mass but made it in time for lunch at mum's. my sister n kids came home the day before. even at mum's we all felt it, but never spoke about it...on the rick back home after lunch, baba suddenly declares, " i really missed anil uncle today"...

i could imagine my sister going "ptchtch", as she lets out a sigh more eloquent than words. there he sat by the irani table by the door, carefully making our drinks...cheers, anil!...and a very merry christmas. and to you all! come home quick, before the sweets get over!!

kkkkkoffee!

now, if ever there was a double whammy, this is IT!...never in my wildest, i had ever imagined it - i'm gonna be spending the next 3-4months with srk n karan and karan n srk ;)

yes, am doing em both!! kbc AND koffee...so help me god! until now, i had studiously avoided taking up more than one show at a time...just hate this "clash" thing, didn't have the patience nor the aptitude for it. koffee's gonna be back with an all new set, tho' i'm gonna miss the previous set a lot - the best designed and most correctly proportioned set i've ever lit. but am looking foward to working at yashraj studios, with their fancy new lighting grid.

after a four month drought, it sure is pouring!...had to decline two big docu shoots - one for bbc n the other for discovery. and, i cannot go to nairobi to shoot at wsf...am so pissed off, but keeping a tight lid on it. it's back to work boys!... lights!!

what would you like to "see" new on kbc?

so, it is official - i am doing kbc3! yes, with ssssharukh. i was as suprised as anyone else to hear that they (star) are planning yet another round. such desperation! but then, i found myself getting excited about it being srk. i mean, he IS the don thesedays. so am thinking of how to make the show look very edgy. o for those of you who don't know, i'm DP on the show n so get to ask you what you would like to see new on kbc3!!

the basic format remains the same, the look is ALL i am really interested in. i'd love trying to push the mark up a bit more. i think with srk i can take a lot more risks! lets see...so write in...

tho the only bum thing is that it's gonna clash with my other fav show - koffee right thru n that pisses me off no end coz they were to shoot first in oct then nov then dec n now jan :(

but i guess i'll see enough of karan!!

realising real needs!

... the past two months have me taught a lot more about human behaviour - while we may like to think n believe that we are doing things "for" others, 90% of the time we are doing it for ourselves... who's need is it really? i find me asking myself...most times we go momentarily blind...might seem selfish...but a whole lot more honest!

the other thing is "hope" - that undying eternal human feeling...no matter how slender, how faint that glimmer of light, how ridiculous even...but in the end there is always hope! what would we be without it??

i thought i'd write a lot more...but the words don't come...what is it about words that are spoken or written that commit a thought...don't even know if that made any sense...

that's what i like about a blog! so what if it don't make sense, so what if no one reads it... my need...again!

icu to ccu

from the delhi heart and lung institute...

the distances in time seemed uncannily similar...the same hour n half from home to wockhardt and now bombay to delhi! it takes the same 35min from vasant vihar to wockhardt or from iit to panchkuian road...

haven't settled in here as yet...don't know what qns to ask of the docs. the monitors at meeka's bedside v similar to those beside anil. just that her heartbeat is kinda normal and bp too. we're all hoping she remains stable n gets discharged in a day or two.

back in bombay, gopa (a friend of ours from dubai) is having an angiography done in sion even as i write...will someone up there tell me what IS going on??

the only bad part about being an icu/ccu patient's relative is that you can't listen to music in your ears!...they call for you...sometimes...though, you hope that they'll call to say that your patient is being shifted to a room...some of us are lucky...others luckier!...while we lesser mortals are left behind to seek "closure".

to access to good medical care in this country, you got to have money - lots of it, but to get the best, you need to know someone - doctors, directors, surgeons, owners, head nurse...its scary, i'd just rather die!...or maybe, when we have more n know more, we get even more insecure...

and just when you've convinced yourself that you've indeed got the best, there comes someone along who thinks we'll get better elsewhere!...the hunt for the snark continues...even here!...

so srk is going to host kbc3 and yes i got a call...and me, i didn't say no...c!'s been down with severe stomach pain since we got here. hope to do some tests in a day or two. she, like her mum deserves a break from docs n medicines...

i no longer know where i wake up...could sleep some more...missed anil last afternoon a lot as i walked appa in some crisp afternoon winter sun. i did say goodnight to anil, go in peace...but i just didn't want him to go...mercifully, i didn't have to see a hole in the ground eat him up...

two one nine!

they don't call out that number no more...they don't wake you mid sleep anymore. the last time they did that was on the 23rd around 2am to say that 219 has had a cardiac arrest while on dialysis...and to please inform his family...

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Up and down.
But in the end its only round and round.

All that is now
All that is gone
All thats to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

...

goodmorning parrots!

woke up one morning to loud squaking by the window...these two were going nuts to find another parrot in the mirror...they'd look over the edge, not find the reflection, peer back into the mirror n go SQUREECH! for a full 30mins!!...such a good morning it was!

loss

what is it to lose something/someone?

last month i lost my laptop bag with passport, laptop, ipod, money, etc. i wept then coz it felt i had lost "everything"...so many weeks later...after so many days in the icu-patients' relatives waiting room, that loss seems just so so insignificant.

ashes you were and unto ashes will you return...so they say in the bible!

aaah my head reels...what, where, why, how, when...tell me more!!

suddenly one night, my sister asks me how much i remember of the night dad died. only being bundled off to the neighbour's place to sleep, i recall. i'm 6 n she 15...so much anger she felt then...about not being told anything, about not having anything explained to her, about needing to look after 3younger brothers...we hugged each other to sleep...swiftly perished the thought of wishing i had the camera!! don't know when i'll ever finish my film...

here's looking at you - death!!

...it's almost a month now that my bro-in-law's been in the icu...fellow patients' relatives become friends and enormous pillars of strength...but today was the worst day...one such pillar's husband lost the battle. he'd been up n down but never better... his wife and my sister bonded thick n kept each other's spirits up on this roller coaster. her husband fighting excessive uric acid deposits in his body...

this evening, his heartbeat blip went flat...

outside, in the waiting room, the dams burst. they'd been springing leaks all week. try as you might...steel yourself...but when the moment comes, something deep inside just crumbles...his 8yr old son on seeing the white coloured nutrition anil (b-in-law) was receiving, excitedly tells his mum, "they're giving uncle lassi!"

he'd just discovered scrabble two days ago, when i had pulled out the game to distract my sister's very preoccupied mind...

images from bergmans's seventh seal flash by...how much time can we really buy?... while we keep praying that anil wins this round of chess.

you live n you learn

lille- france seems like a distant dream now...been in n out of hospital, keeping my sister company as my brother-in-law fights a hugely enlarged pancreas that is eating itself to death...a condition called necrotising acute pancreatitis - a condition doctors dread coz there's so little they can do.

it's been three weeks now since he walked to a nearby hospital complaining of severe a stomach ache. the sonograph that morning revealed a serious life-threatening condition. Pancreas comes from the Greek pankreas (a combination of pan and kreas) which means 'all meat'. Kreas in Homeric literature meant edible animal flesh!!

but, acute pancreatitis is a rapidly-onset inflammation of the pancreas. Depending on its severity, it can have severe complications and high mortality despite treatment.

and necrotising acute pancreatitis is when the pancreas auto-digests, killing itself due to the very corrosive nature of the enzymes it secretes. My bro-in-law's pancreas is 70% necrotised now. And we are praying v hard that infection does not set in...that can be fatal...n you pray too!

the icu-patients' relatives waiting room is one of life's worst waiting rooms. cellphones buzzing constantly, seldom a smiling face, bursts of tense action, frequent breaking downs, nervous twitches, restless fingers, swollen glassy vacant eyes, bed numbers being beckoned urgently, cold...

the icu itself solemn, cold, same-sized mallu nurses dart purposefully between beds, the pings n dings of life-support gear denying death his feared knock, lcd screens displaying all vital indications...day in n day out...three weeks later, my bro-in-law seems to have lost a sense of date n time. We got him a 2-in-1 last evening so that he can listen to his fav music.

he patiently slowly scribbles what he wants to say or ask one letter at a time on my palm..."no place like home"! he says when i say he's being looked after really well here at wockhardt. "index"? he asks me...index i ask back, only to realise he wants to know how the stock market is doing!! I want to hug him...

he dreamed of sitting down watch the sun go down behind the hills beyond the lake sipping his rum n cola...not even a drop of alcohol now on! my sister didn't know what hit her on the second day, when the doc asked us to call his relatives down. that was the hardest part for me - calling each one of them, repeating the same thing over...making it feel even more impending then.

he's pulled through until now and we hope he'll pull right through. his lung doctor (yes, this is the orbit of super speciality) is not happy with the condition of his lungs. his pancreas doc is happy no infection has set in...will keep you posted. until then blow some good winds his way...

the installation n i

now you know!

I piss on brussels

it was just about a month ago, on my way back to lille after visiting my uncle in cologne...changing trains at brussels midi, had over an hour to kill and so loitered around the station (cardinal sin #1)...looking for (what else?) waffles!! it had been over a year since i'd had one...the memory was tempting enough. backpack still on back i put my laptop bag down (cardinal sin #2) to look up to see which platform my train was going to come and check out the waffles on offer.

out of nowhere came this north african early twenties guy facing me on my right. "amsterdam? amsterdam?" he asked me twice...i was tired, it was a long day n my shoulders were aching...i turned around to look down...but it was gone! fucking shit! felt all the oxygen sucked out of my body...my laptop bag was stolen. looking down in sheer disbelief..closed n opened my eyes just in case they were tricking me!!fuck! i kicked myself! the classic distraction trick...mouth still open, i ran around as if they'd still be around! noooo i cursed myself, how could i let them!

perfect timing! thanksgiving weekend, crowded train station...i was a wreck...looked around some more...had wandered around the station enough to know where exactly the cop station was..."stand back!" growled some white beef in blue...quickly try to bring my heartrate down...lick my lips in a desperate attempt to help words form. "my laptop bag has just be stolen" i blurt out.
"ID?"
"my passport went too...that was my ID!"
"sorry there's nothing I can do for you"
"but...." i stutter...
"you'll have to go to your embassy, i can't help you"

as incredulous as it sounded to me, i walked out in complete disbelief...but i need a police complaint before i go to my embassy, i reasoned in my head ...walking...thinking, i find two security gaurds, repeat my story. they're more compassionate n take me to another cop stn just outside the train stn. there charlie one speaks to tango two and i'm sent back to the train stn cop stn. This time white beef in blue motions me to wait as he is busy. i sit alone...very alone...most calming...

c! won't take her phone, i get my uncle's answering machine...god-cursed!...sms the breaking news...c! still won't answer her phone...more panic-struck just-been-robbed weepies join me...in an hour, we're five!! i shake my head...they shake theirs.

finally, white beef calls for me...i'm upset n angry but calmer by now. i protest immediately about him not having me helped me n worse kept me waiting for an hour now (cardinal sin #3)...white turned to red and my internal alarm blew furiously. quickly climbing down, i apologise and say ya, my laptop bag with my passport's been stolen, what do i need to do? how can you help me? now he tells me that yes he'd give me a letter that i need to get endorsed from my embassy that i am indeed their citizen, then i can come back n he or his colleagues would take my statement! phew! he explained that anyone could walk in n say they'd lost their passport n jump boat...true, i agree, we shake hands n i leave with that cyclostyled piece of paper.

by now, i just had a lil over 20 euros in my wallet (down from the 400odd i had in my laptop bag (cardinal sin#4)...a slow local train tic was all i could afford. my shoulders did feel lighter, i must admit...and settled in to the longest 2hr train ride in my life (the eurostar does it in 40mins!!)

its all over!

i give up!...throw my towel in!!...life has finaly overtaken me n this blogging thing is just too slow to keep up. the last four weeks have been tumultuous (to put it mildly)...my laptop bag with laptop, ipod, cash AND passport was stolen at brussels stn. the day after i got back from france, my bro-in-law was admitted to hospital and is critical in the ICU with acute pancreatitus...don't know where to start...