whatthefuck!

did you see that??...a neatly carved out huuuuge chunk of forested hills very close to where we live...shocked, numbed...further east is vihar n tulsi lakes...and that damn goregaon-mulund link road is all set to hasten this blitzkrieg. hey rohan, you got to get some of your foot soldiers here to investigate!...today, on tv news i heard that france is sending up a rocket to find another earth...we're gonna be needing it sooner than later!

christmas - it just wasn't the same

...as always the last minute rush to clean house, buy gifts, cook, etc...missed midnight mass but made it in time for lunch at mum's. my sister n kids came home the day before. even at mum's we all felt it, but never spoke about it...on the rick back home after lunch, baba suddenly declares, " i really missed anil uncle today"...

i could imagine my sister going "ptchtch", as she lets out a sigh more eloquent than words. there he sat by the irani table by the door, carefully making our drinks...cheers, anil!...and a very merry christmas. and to you all! come home quick, before the sweets get over!!

kkkkkoffee!

now, if ever there was a double whammy, this is IT!...never in my wildest, i had ever imagined it - i'm gonna be spending the next 3-4months with srk n karan and karan n srk ;)

yes, am doing em both!! kbc AND koffee...so help me god! until now, i had studiously avoided taking up more than one show at a time...just hate this "clash" thing, didn't have the patience nor the aptitude for it. koffee's gonna be back with an all new set, tho' i'm gonna miss the previous set a lot - the best designed and most correctly proportioned set i've ever lit. but am looking foward to working at yashraj studios, with their fancy new lighting grid.

after a four month drought, it sure is pouring!...had to decline two big docu shoots - one for bbc n the other for discovery. and, i cannot go to nairobi to shoot at wsf...am so pissed off, but keeping a tight lid on it. it's back to work boys!... lights!!

what would you like to "see" new on kbc?

so, it is official - i am doing kbc3! yes, with ssssharukh. i was as suprised as anyone else to hear that they (star) are planning yet another round. such desperation! but then, i found myself getting excited about it being srk. i mean, he IS the don thesedays. so am thinking of how to make the show look very edgy. o for those of you who don't know, i'm DP on the show n so get to ask you what you would like to see new on kbc3!!

the basic format remains the same, the look is ALL i am really interested in. i'd love trying to push the mark up a bit more. i think with srk i can take a lot more risks! lets see...so write in...

tho the only bum thing is that it's gonna clash with my other fav show - koffee right thru n that pisses me off no end coz they were to shoot first in oct then nov then dec n now jan :(

but i guess i'll see enough of karan!!

realising real needs!

... the past two months have me taught a lot more about human behaviour - while we may like to think n believe that we are doing things "for" others, 90% of the time we are doing it for ourselves... who's need is it really? i find me asking myself...most times we go momentarily blind...might seem selfish...but a whole lot more honest!

the other thing is "hope" - that undying eternal human feeling...no matter how slender, how faint that glimmer of light, how ridiculous even...but in the end there is always hope! what would we be without it??

i thought i'd write a lot more...but the words don't come...what is it about words that are spoken or written that commit a thought...don't even know if that made any sense...

that's what i like about a blog! so what if it don't make sense, so what if no one reads it... my need...again!

icu to ccu

from the delhi heart and lung institute...

the distances in time seemed uncannily similar...the same hour n half from home to wockhardt and now bombay to delhi! it takes the same 35min from vasant vihar to wockhardt or from iit to panchkuian road...

haven't settled in here as yet...don't know what qns to ask of the docs. the monitors at meeka's bedside v similar to those beside anil. just that her heartbeat is kinda normal and bp too. we're all hoping she remains stable n gets discharged in a day or two.

back in bombay, gopa (a friend of ours from dubai) is having an angiography done in sion even as i write...will someone up there tell me what IS going on??

the only bad part about being an icu/ccu patient's relative is that you can't listen to music in your ears!...they call for you...sometimes...though, you hope that they'll call to say that your patient is being shifted to a room...some of us are lucky...others luckier!...while we lesser mortals are left behind to seek "closure".

to access to good medical care in this country, you got to have money - lots of it, but to get the best, you need to know someone - doctors, directors, surgeons, owners, head nurse...its scary, i'd just rather die!...or maybe, when we have more n know more, we get even more insecure...

and just when you've convinced yourself that you've indeed got the best, there comes someone along who thinks we'll get better elsewhere!...the hunt for the snark continues...even here!...

so srk is going to host kbc3 and yes i got a call...and me, i didn't say no...c!'s been down with severe stomach pain since we got here. hope to do some tests in a day or two. she, like her mum deserves a break from docs n medicines...

i no longer know where i wake up...could sleep some more...missed anil last afternoon a lot as i walked appa in some crisp afternoon winter sun. i did say goodnight to anil, go in peace...but i just didn't want him to go...mercifully, i didn't have to see a hole in the ground eat him up...

two one nine!

they don't call out that number no more...they don't wake you mid sleep anymore. the last time they did that was on the 23rd around 2am to say that 219 has had a cardiac arrest while on dialysis...and to please inform his family...

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Up and down.
But in the end its only round and round.

All that is now
All that is gone
All thats to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

...

goodmorning parrots!

woke up one morning to loud squaking by the window...these two were going nuts to find another parrot in the mirror...they'd look over the edge, not find the reflection, peer back into the mirror n go SQUREECH! for a full 30mins!!...such a good morning it was!

loss

what is it to lose something/someone?

last month i lost my laptop bag with passport, laptop, ipod, money, etc. i wept then coz it felt i had lost "everything"...so many weeks later...after so many days in the icu-patients' relatives waiting room, that loss seems just so so insignificant.

ashes you were and unto ashes will you return...so they say in the bible!

aaah my head reels...what, where, why, how, when...tell me more!!

suddenly one night, my sister asks me how much i remember of the night dad died. only being bundled off to the neighbour's place to sleep, i recall. i'm 6 n she 15...so much anger she felt then...about not being told anything, about not having anything explained to her, about needing to look after 3younger brothers...we hugged each other to sleep...swiftly perished the thought of wishing i had the camera!! don't know when i'll ever finish my film...

here's looking at you - death!!

...it's almost a month now that my bro-in-law's been in the icu...fellow patients' relatives become friends and enormous pillars of strength...but today was the worst day...one such pillar's husband lost the battle. he'd been up n down but never better... his wife and my sister bonded thick n kept each other's spirits up on this roller coaster. her husband fighting excessive uric acid deposits in his body...

this evening, his heartbeat blip went flat...

outside, in the waiting room, the dams burst. they'd been springing leaks all week. try as you might...steel yourself...but when the moment comes, something deep inside just crumbles...his 8yr old son on seeing the white coloured nutrition anil (b-in-law) was receiving, excitedly tells his mum, "they're giving uncle lassi!"

he'd just discovered scrabble two days ago, when i had pulled out the game to distract my sister's very preoccupied mind...

images from bergmans's seventh seal flash by...how much time can we really buy?... while we keep praying that anil wins this round of chess.

you live n you learn

lille- france seems like a distant dream now...been in n out of hospital, keeping my sister company as my brother-in-law fights a hugely enlarged pancreas that is eating itself to death...a condition called necrotising acute pancreatitis - a condition doctors dread coz there's so little they can do.

it's been three weeks now since he walked to a nearby hospital complaining of severe a stomach ache. the sonograph that morning revealed a serious life-threatening condition. Pancreas comes from the Greek pankreas (a combination of pan and kreas) which means 'all meat'. Kreas in Homeric literature meant edible animal flesh!!

but, acute pancreatitis is a rapidly-onset inflammation of the pancreas. Depending on its severity, it can have severe complications and high mortality despite treatment.

and necrotising acute pancreatitis is when the pancreas auto-digests, killing itself due to the very corrosive nature of the enzymes it secretes. My bro-in-law's pancreas is 70% necrotised now. And we are praying v hard that infection does not set in...that can be fatal...n you pray too!

the icu-patients' relatives waiting room is one of life's worst waiting rooms. cellphones buzzing constantly, seldom a smiling face, bursts of tense action, frequent breaking downs, nervous twitches, restless fingers, swollen glassy vacant eyes, bed numbers being beckoned urgently, cold...

the icu itself solemn, cold, same-sized mallu nurses dart purposefully between beds, the pings n dings of life-support gear denying death his feared knock, lcd screens displaying all vital indications...day in n day out...three weeks later, my bro-in-law seems to have lost a sense of date n time. We got him a 2-in-1 last evening so that he can listen to his fav music.

he patiently slowly scribbles what he wants to say or ask one letter at a time on my palm..."no place like home"! he says when i say he's being looked after really well here at wockhardt. "index"? he asks me...index i ask back, only to realise he wants to know how the stock market is doing!! I want to hug him...

he dreamed of sitting down watch the sun go down behind the hills beyond the lake sipping his rum n cola...not even a drop of alcohol now on! my sister didn't know what hit her on the second day, when the doc asked us to call his relatives down. that was the hardest part for me - calling each one of them, repeating the same thing over...making it feel even more impending then.

he's pulled through until now and we hope he'll pull right through. his lung doctor (yes, this is the orbit of super speciality) is not happy with the condition of his lungs. his pancreas doc is happy no infection has set in...will keep you posted. until then blow some good winds his way...

the installation n i

now you know!

I piss on brussels

it was just about a month ago, on my way back to lille after visiting my uncle in cologne...changing trains at brussels midi, had over an hour to kill and so loitered around the station (cardinal sin #1)...looking for (what else?) waffles!! it had been over a year since i'd had one...the memory was tempting enough. backpack still on back i put my laptop bag down (cardinal sin #2) to look up to see which platform my train was going to come and check out the waffles on offer.

out of nowhere came this north african early twenties guy facing me on my right. "amsterdam? amsterdam?" he asked me twice...i was tired, it was a long day n my shoulders were aching...i turned around to look down...but it was gone! fucking shit! felt all the oxygen sucked out of my body...my laptop bag was stolen. looking down in sheer disbelief..closed n opened my eyes just in case they were tricking me!!fuck! i kicked myself! the classic distraction trick...mouth still open, i ran around as if they'd still be around! noooo i cursed myself, how could i let them!

perfect timing! thanksgiving weekend, crowded train station...i was a wreck...looked around some more...had wandered around the station enough to know where exactly the cop station was..."stand back!" growled some white beef in blue...quickly try to bring my heartrate down...lick my lips in a desperate attempt to help words form. "my laptop bag has just be stolen" i blurt out.
"ID?"
"my passport went too...that was my ID!"
"sorry there's nothing I can do for you"
"but...." i stutter...
"you'll have to go to your embassy, i can't help you"

as incredulous as it sounded to me, i walked out in complete disbelief...but i need a police complaint before i go to my embassy, i reasoned in my head ...walking...thinking, i find two security gaurds, repeat my story. they're more compassionate n take me to another cop stn just outside the train stn. there charlie one speaks to tango two and i'm sent back to the train stn cop stn. This time white beef in blue motions me to wait as he is busy. i sit alone...very alone...most calming...

c! won't take her phone, i get my uncle's answering machine...god-cursed!...sms the breaking news...c! still won't answer her phone...more panic-struck just-been-robbed weepies join me...in an hour, we're five!! i shake my head...they shake theirs.

finally, white beef calls for me...i'm upset n angry but calmer by now. i protest immediately about him not having me helped me n worse kept me waiting for an hour now (cardinal sin #3)...white turned to red and my internal alarm blew furiously. quickly climbing down, i apologise and say ya, my laptop bag with my passport's been stolen, what do i need to do? how can you help me? now he tells me that yes he'd give me a letter that i need to get endorsed from my embassy that i am indeed their citizen, then i can come back n he or his colleagues would take my statement! phew! he explained that anyone could walk in n say they'd lost their passport n jump boat...true, i agree, we shake hands n i leave with that cyclostyled piece of paper.

by now, i just had a lil over 20 euros in my wallet (down from the 400odd i had in my laptop bag (cardinal sin#4)...a slow local train tic was all i could afford. my shoulders did feel lighter, i must admit...and settled in to the longest 2hr train ride in my life (the eurostar does it in 40mins!!)

its all over!

i give up!...throw my towel in!!...life has finaly overtaken me n this blogging thing is just too slow to keep up. the last four weeks have been tumultuous (to put it mildly)...my laptop bag with laptop, ipod, cash AND passport was stolen at brussels stn. the day after i got back from france, my bro-in-law was admitted to hospital and is critical in the ICU with acute pancreatitus...don't know where to start...

voila!

aalooo from lille in france! finally got internet working in the hotel room!! bon tres bon!

…woke up this sunday morning n found myself taking the elevator down to the entre sol…but to my horror twas closed! Boing! It’s the weekend!! And NO ONE works!!!

Last night, after a long hard day, party-ed hard at this electro-music fest n was looking forward to the frugal breakfast fare provided by this modest hotel (a service apt really). But c’est la vie, back in my room, juice n dahi n banana will do just fine ☺

Switched on kumar gandharva…felt some dirt under my soft clean feet (I’ve been in shoes all week!)…damn! They haven’t cleaned my room…no problemo…mopped the place in 10mins, did the dishes n suddenly felt I had been living here for months!

Not being here as a tourist changes the complexion of your experience. No pressure to “see” “places”…you just stumble upon them as you walk around town – from hotel to the lille3000 office to the palais rihour (the site of the installation) n back…and you interact with the locals in a more in-depth manner, relaxed, at length, in varying situations – at work, in a bar, over lunch, at this music fest…

Its been a wonderful first week! Made even better by the fact that we aren’t shooting today. Last evening, we finished the first n most complicated of our shoots n I am so glad for that. 5 to go!! But such tripe being paraded as video art but that’s another story for another time….

Au contraire, the video installations I saw at this electro-music fest, were simply mind blowing. Some of them…their understanding of the medium, use of technology n attention to detail n great sound design make it such a treat to experience. N their staging - immaculate…non of these laboured self indulgent obvious statements about war or terror or…

The weather’s been great…even warm for me some days…actually perspired profusely!! But the sun in these latitudes…o man…does this magical demi-circle around the horizon, crisp n golden yet never contrasty. But they say it will get colder soon n I’m looking forward to it. Haven’t worn even one of my full sleeve “winter” stuff I am carrying! It’s cloudy this morning n was v foggy the day I arrived…

Lille…hadn’t heard of it before nor had I spotted it on the map…kinda hangs in there half-way between london n paris…trying hard to capture its own place in the sun. they wanna make it the cultural capital of Europe n “bombaysers de lille3000” is a way of getting there…a 3month extravaganza celebrating Bombay…art, music, dance, film, literature n bollywood!! The Bombay mafia is taking over Europe!! Next Thursday, another 2year long exhibition on Bombay opens in amsterdam…n I am going there! My music video debut happened for this children’s museum - Troppen Jr. Am most excited that I will be there for the opening. Tres bon!

Ah but so many femmes fatales but such little time!! Lille is also a big university town, so lots of pyt’s around…n how much they smoke!! O another thing…hadn’t seen so many pregnant women when I was in these parts last summer. But my fav is laura – Spanish, lives with her boyfriend at the very top of these old world 2-storied houses - all wooden with a piano in the attic even! She’s been plying me with music to dump into my ipod. Charlotte – this freckled blonde I danced with last night, a pol science student so we have these animated conversations about globalisation, Americana, racial tensions, even office politics!! Chin-pierced doe-eyed Elaine – the youngest of them all n single ;) n a cutie! She rolled me my first French ciggie!...i use her comp to email at the office. And there’s Flora – this big, Indian-accented very talkative thing…just so excited that she’s going to be marrying this rajput boyfriend in delhi this dec. she taking us out to the Sunday market tomorrow. And Justin, this petite, quintessential French girl you’d seen in French cinema, anything but demure, she handles production like a veteran but all of 26. Age is a big thing….how old are you? Guessing games et al…good fun!! Needles to say, I AM old as opposed to Elaine who said to me “I am young”!! sigh…..and there’s Christina – a huge strapping Austrian who is my gaffer, grip n girl Friday all rolled into one! She’s sweet but won’t take risks which is painful when one is doing experimental stuff like this.

pm

went to a park nearby to walk some green…discovered chestnut trees…tres vieux n grande…bon soir! Sipping some cheap but v nice vino tinto listening to massive attack …biding my time before we go back to “tripostal” for the electro music fest. Tripostal used to be the old main post office n the postal authorities have handed it over to the city as a public space…3floors of video installations n live djs mixing some heavy grooves. Tres chique n very underground…


been thinking about sound installations…n my love for sound/audio…will pursue it n see where it takes me…god these ibook speakers suck!

yesterday!
Loong day today, just got back n its almost 1130pm when the rest of India sleeps! Had my first joint today – that too at our location – did justice to its 1453 vintage I think ;) I go to Amsterdam day after n then to see my dad’s brother in Germany. Went to book my train tics…n most astonishingly, they couldn’t book my amst – cologne tic!! Irctc!! Where are you??

The Sunday market was ok types – mostly clothes. But had some soooper Algerian food, preceeded by some flaameesh (don’t know the Flemish spelling) which is a cross betw a pizza n quiche. But most importantly, made by one of the few surviving makers of this regional speciality!! Felt privileged….the Algerian tangine n coucous was sumptuous n v meaty…felt like a buffalo after…mercifully we walked back. That’s the lovely-est thing abt lille…..entirely walkable. They’re just beginning to get their bicycle lanes…o nice beer buzz!...g’nite!!...

bleah!

...don't seem like anyone's reading my blog anymore..which is not so much fun...or reading maybe, but not inspired enough to post a comment ;)

but i've been enjoying writing...though have been less regular lately...maybe that's why you've given up on me!!

the last 2 weeks have been drowned in passport renewal woes...between me refusing to bribe em cops to hasten my police verification and ganpati, i lost a good 14days which is huge considering i need to leave for france on saturday night!!

it is all quite "brazil"...the innards of this system...hajjjaar files, hunched-over-table clerks, ancient ceiling fans which creak more than cool...and the ubiquitous middle-man who's willing to get you even the moon, for a price of course! from desk to desk, office to office, buliding to building...it churns...n i was just collateral damage.

from cop staion to the head office in town and back to passport office...became like a daily darshan...but no prasadam only :(

my passport is "on the way"!! speed post...god speed! n then onto the visa chakkar...there must be another way! saturday night departure slowly fading...

teacher's day

...for the first time in these 12 years, my students invited me for teacher's day celebrations at the sophiya polytechnic. mortified at the thought, i declined!...but to my utter suprise, they asked me to wind up class 5min before time...completely perplexed i obliged...only to find one of them amble to the front guitar in hand, perch herself on the table while the rest rustled out some pages n suddenly the whole class broke into song !! carefuly composed, they had a verse for each teacher...most touching...if last year, they'd count the number of times i'd say ya, this year they're tripping on my maaney...

bigger is better!

...there's this dubai-returned friend, chandu...one lazy rainy morning on I-day he brought along his lcd projector...and our monthly screenings at home have never been the same! widescreen @ 2000lumens from 15ft away is such a trip! i mean, actually moving your head to follow a character as he walks from left to right...at home!! television is just another piece of furniture!!

we watched capote that day...n tonight we watched george clooney's goodnight, and goodluck. very taut film with a fantastic performance by david strathairn as edward murrow - the cbs reporter who challanged n exposed mc carthy - the commie bashing jr senator.stark b/w photography intercut with actual newsreel footage of mc carthy. tho' based on a period in the 1950's, the fim's relevance only increases when viewed against the pathetic news television scene in india these days. clooney is such a dude...stands apart from the hollywood morass...

must show it to my students!

absolut-ly smashed!

i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again
i will not drink again i will not drink again
i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again i will not drink again ...sorry muks shooreysh c!

land ahoy!

Finally! a place of our own in Goa…to relax, unwind, recharge! It’s been a dream I have been pursuing for some time now…a piece of land to start a multi-media resource centre for children in Goa.

After months and countless trips, I found this place in Verna in S Goa…tucked away from the Panjim-Margao highway (3km in)…an acre on a hillslope facing the west, full of cashew trees n wild berries n birdsongs…and some black-faced langurs!

From this GoogleEarth pic, you can see that the sea is a mere 8km away... It is 5min from Verna Stn, 10min from Margao, 20min from the airport and 30min from Panjim!!

Just the land … for now!…will build there slowly over the next 1-2 years and eventually move there, live there. Goa, like the rest of India is changing at a frighteningly rapid pace…so, the earlier we go there the better ;)

It wasn’t easy…actually quite harrowing the whole experience…we (there’s 2 others who’ve bought an acre each) decided not to go through a lawyer/advocate and not pay any bribe. Our Sale Deed was rejected twice on technical grounds and we lost a lot of sleep, hair and several thousands on Stamp Paper…the third time round, our spirits broke, we approached an advocate (who knew the Registrar) and it went through…some very expensive price of learning this!!

No sense of elation or joy or achievement…just exhaustion n relief…but now, two days later, the enormity of it all and the happiness is slowly sinking in...