event-ually screwed!

i hate doing live events and don't do them often... but then i forget why and so have to regret at leisure. back-to-back with heartbeat was the kstar kparivaar kawards...hey ajay you ARE doing it (as easy!). the unease hit as soon as i entered "tha temple of theaatre" - jamshed baba audi. the same ol "black" umang trademark-edly awfully finished sets, the same ol atul chagmak moving lights, the same ol filmy acts, the same ol awards presentation drill, 12cam set-up, 1 jib, 5 handheld, 3 frontal, 1 track trolley err no track trolley, 1 centre fish-eye low angle ...but hey at the oscars they.....sigh!

the same ol fight about chak-a-chak lighting vs moody spot-lit varying with each act lighting and ...AUDIENCE LIGHTS AJAY!! and of course, the budget's never enough and so what if the setting guys screwed-up and lighting gets no time to vary the looks for each act and that there's no time for camera rehearsals coz its well past midnight by now and the thheaatre rental is way too high...but the show must go on! chal yaar we got to make the most of what we got...rockin'

the only difference... this time i had this calm detached demeanour, didn't scream at anyone (not even setting!) even as tempers flared and blood boiled in the control room...is anyone even going to say cut?!!

rear window

..sitting by my window watching ray on hbo...across from the window a lightbulb comes to life...she's late tonight, another bulb lights up and the tv...from light to silhoutte she walks around the house, comes back into light...changed clothes, pours herself a drink and settles down in front of the tv...very quiet very alone so far away. don't seem like she's enjoying her drink, but then neither am i...

...meanwhile on tv, ray's painful childhood haunts his successful present, the water rising...tears welling...can't seem to hear the music. lost her. no end credit roll no goodnight...

brokeback

watched ang lee's brokeback mountain this evening...just so beautiful, so understated, heartrending, haunting...need to see it again (preferably with subtitles!)...ah and what music! don't feel like writing more... like the film less is more...

heartbeat

...so we shoot the first episode of heartbeat today!...weeks of pre-prodn finally seem to be paying off...managed to get the look almost perfect, and that feels good. leart a whole lot - esp new lights. the challenge to light a 20x30x10ft sealed space was most exciting...with seamlessly even colour-changing walls and pockets-of-light interior...

of course all this makes no sense without knowing anything about the show...a new 30min quiz game show for star one where one person enters this sealed opalescent green space. s/he's got 500 heartbeats to answer a qn thrown at her by this booming voice of god! inside she can hear her own heartbeat and see no one in the outside...come to think of it, why am i telling you so much!..watch it! mid april it goes on air and then we'll talk!

meanwhile, c! got back...but that didn't change our "away" status!...we'll almost...dinner together past 11 and straight off to bed too exhausted to talk!

amidst this mayhem, being that time of the year...got that dreaded call from my CA..."my dear"...how are we doing? of course he wasn't asking about my general well-being but how (dis)organised i have been with my financials this year!! don't think i have imroved much on this front, so he's going to be having to do a lot of fire-fighting!! sigh!...maybe in my next janam.

hadn't written in some time now...wondered if i was being missed. long time no responses...

c! saw...

c! flew off to goa early this morn for a 6day ad film shoot. we've increasing been seeing less of each other and i'm begining not to like it anymore...the stress we hear/read about working city dinks sounds all too familiar. don't really know what to do about it...this i guess is what it is all about! the freedom, independence, career...the missing! by the time she's back i will have begun my "heartbeat" shoot which will keep me busy until the 22nd!! c'est la vie! sigh...

dhak dhak!!

next week i start work on a new show for star... the gameshow king strikes again! no, that's not the name of the show :) heartbeat - a trippy new dutch (since we don't believe in ourselves)format game show...one person alone in a sealed luminous green walled room is given 500 heartbeats to answer a set of questions...with each right answer money increases and difficulty too. no host no audience...i'm excited n nervous...hope i can achieve the unusual look! keep watchin'

cherubim!

cherubim - my dad's middle name! yes, believe it or not!! don't know how he got it...much like i didn't know a lot about him. thought i'd make a film - getting to know my dad... begun working on it in oct 20000 - audio recordings, filming with friends n relatives, gathering photographs...kinda trying to construct or rather re-construct his life n times for myself...i was six when he died...

for myself! that's what i had thought initially that i was making it just for myself, until a few friends thought it might be a good idea to make a film n let everyone in on it...seeing mukul's "snapshots from a family album" only increased my enthu...

just finished dumping to vhs all that i have shot so far and its a frightening 38mini dv tapes already! that's close to 38hours of material i have no idea as yet how to shape.

very stuck with treatment...formalistic issues...just so bored of talking heads (and i've got a lot of them!)...unsure about how honest i can be with myself and the film...good ol wishy washy charlie brown...not clear what i should focus on...my own search? piecing together his life? photographs and memory? my mum? a burnt family album?

paro once told me that i might like to think of myself as a documentary cameraman but am really a fiction kinda guy...suprised me then, but i do like the imagery of bergman, tarkovsky, wenders, von trier...maybe its that what i'm battling in my head...and as always consume myself with form before content!!

so help me god!!!